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I don't really start with a coherent thought to begin with. Sometimes I just write down anything from instinct. If it sounds profound, then it must be. I don't know, I've tired of thinking.


I was running on the threadmill thinking, "Wow, this says I've ran 10kms but look, I'm still here." And the blatant fact that I got nowhere slapped me in the face. Sometimes reflections on life can come from the most mundane things. "Well, isn't this a lot like college? Look, I'm still here. But I ran 4 years worth of something. That should count, right?" Well, if you believe running on the threadmill can genuinely help you in running for real, then maybe there is a point.


Sometimes I wake up feeling really pissed about something. But I don't know what. So I try to end the day as quickly as I can so I wouldn't have to deal with the feeling. I always believed that the next day, I'll feel better because sleep is a reset button.


Sometimes when I'm alone in my room I think maybe I've lost my ability to emphatize. My friends tell me I'm insensitive and the funny thing is that I just can't argue otherwise. My dad tells me I'm manhid which is roughly the same thing. My sisters tell me I'm not a gentleman. My mom tells me I'm too quiet and distant for my own good. I think it's all for the better. If I went around like some touchy-feeling prick, I might die of heart failure soon. Wag mo nang damdamin, right?


In connection to that, I'm beginning to doubt my own motives for having friends. If I am so unfeeling, then I just might be a user. Woh. Big revelation. That is so earth-shaking. Grabe, I am turning in my grave (if ever I was dead). Hah, in some degrees it could be true, but f*ck it, I've probably transcended that at one point in my life.


Again, in the same vein, maybe it's just another defense mechanism. Maybe because I screw up so much that I had to develop a certain aloofness so all those failures wouldn't matter too much. Hah. I figured out myself in the span of one sentence.


I hate it when people come up to you feeling like they know you inside and out. "I know you, boy." Haha. That kills me. They can probably count on me to do what they expect. Wohoo. I'm awestruck by the foresight and powers of observation. But I'm sorry, the more people expect, the more I fail. I don't know, it's another f*cking defense mechanism if that's what you want to hear.


Whoo, angst. Do you know that we use that word loosely and never in its true meaning? The context we use angst for is always towards that "teenage thing" we can only aptly desctribe as "angst". "Ang angsty naman nito." Well, in truth, angst is meant to convey another meaning that is not necessarily angsty. In the way that happiness is our reaction to something good - high grades, birthday surprise, love's first kiss.... and sadness as our reaction to something terrible - death of a pet, death of a salesman, angst is our reaction to nothing. Yep, when faced with nothing, people feel angst. This supports many nihilist philosophy conveying that instead of a Transcendent waiting for us, there is ultimately, nothing. When we die, nothing. Hahaha. Life is therefore absurd. And with this, we rebel, we try to cling to something, to moments of rapture but we always fail because they are all ephemeral. We try to turn to our higher faculties calling on the metaphysical, but alas even this makes no sense in all its paradoxes and contradictions that we just give up in an outburst of angst.

We hate life because there is a nagging thought that, "What if there really is nothing beyond all this?"


That is why people get pissed for no reason when they wake up. And why someone could fill a blank white space with so much useless musings that it sickens him to even go back through what he wrote. But he does not undo it. Why? Because he rebels. He feels angst. He doesn't want all this to be nothing.


Why am I referring to myself in the 3rd person all of a sudden? Now that's stupid.

Please bring back YouTube. I'm bored out of my wits.